Worthful Blog

Worthful

When I first heard this word, I thought it was a mistake: it's worthwhile, not worthful.

But it is a word.

"You need to feel worthful, before you can get better."

Being worthful means being full of worth. Worthy of healing, acceptance, and love as you are right now.

It wasn't something I felt before.

Instead of being worthful, I became an expert at the non-response. As long as the other person isn't offended, they won't yell at your or reject me. Just nod your head and listen to them. Try to hide any opinion or thought that might make them angry. Even if I dislike everything they say, at least I won't be alone.

I ended up thinking that my own thoughts didn't matter.

Instead of being worthful, I became an expert at belittling myself. As long as I'm not angry, scared or hurt, then other person won't try to help. When people try to help me, they end up fighting or irritated. So I'm really not angry, it doesn't even make sense that I'm angry. Why am I angry? This is just the situation: deal with it. They need me to be fine, to not be in the way. I am fine; this is nothing.

I ended up unable to feel much of anything.

Instead of being worthful, I became an expert at criticizing myself. Why would they be your friend? You're too quiet. Why would they like you? You're too ugly. Why would you even try that? You're a failure. Why would you wish for that? You're just hurting yourself. Why bother? You're you.

I ended up believing myself.

And I was wrong.

I don't know how you ended up not feeling worthful. Maybe it's a newer thing, or maybe it's always been like this.

It doesn't mean you don't need to make some changes. But maybe the first change you need to make is to discover you're worthful.

This blog is the things that I have found on my journey that have helped me. This isn't a 10-steps to happiness blog. This isn't a cure. It doesn't mean everyone is going to suddenly like you or your life will be revolutionized.

This is a way to make progress. It's a way to learn how to respect yourself, whether that's by respecting your feelings, your needs, your desires, or who you are as a person. And learning self-respect takes work.

Well, if she's writing this, she must be super confident. She must have it all together. She must feel worthful.

Sometimes.

Those sometimes are pretty well worth it.